my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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