if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
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He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
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A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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