Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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