at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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