True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
