she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
