Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
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is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
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I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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