I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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