3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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