Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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