Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
