Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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