I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
