Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Houston, we have a squirter
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
