I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
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I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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