I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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