Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
