I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
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