I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
