I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
