Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
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