It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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