A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
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I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
jump out the window naked night went bad
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