...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
