do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Randomize
