Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
