Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
