I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
