Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
These tits shall not be calmed
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
