Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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