I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
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