I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
