ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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