I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
