I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
