i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
