Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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