I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
