dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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