just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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