chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
