She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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