Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
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he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
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She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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