my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
