i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
