If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
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I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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