We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
