I am spending my child support on dildos
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
