My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
