She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
