im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
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