I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
