You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
