She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
