the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
