dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
