I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
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