Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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