"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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