Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Of course I have a pirate flag
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
