K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
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This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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